Letters from Law School:
Law student #1
I realized that I had to take the LSAT the day before the exam, while sitting at the Admirals Club at an airport in Atlanta. I was an analyst at the world's most prestigious management consulting firm. I made $75,000 a year. I had a million friends, a great life, and abs. I did yoga 4 times a week. Life was good.
Three years later, as I sit on a futon in a 4-square foot apartment in L.A. watching my boyfriend shoot zombies on an Internet videogame, I wonder to myself: what the fuck happened? Where did these fat rolls come from? Why do I look so old? Why is my hair falling out? What the hell are these big brown books on by shelf? They don't seem very interesting...
In the past 36 months, my entire family has died. My grandmother, mother, and uncle have all kicked the bucket. I have gained exactly 25 lbs. since I first set foot in Berkeley. My ass is starting to sag. I have grey hairs, and not just on my head. I have been diagnosed with depression, OCD, and anxiety. I drink heavily. I have recurring nightmares, some of which feature a soundtrack by Kylie Minogue that undoubtedly came from too many smoky nights in Castro bars. I have a fear of people in wheelchairs.
I once spent 9 weeks without a toilet. I lived with a Korean drag queen who extorted a few thousand dollars from me. I have been verbally harassed by lesbians. And somewhere on the Internet, I think there's a porn film with me in it. Crazy times.
I have no money in the bank. I have not had a creative thought in years. I have valium in my cabinet shaped like Fred Flinstone.
But hey, I'm getting paid $145,000 next Fall, and I know that WKSI corporations can do a shelf-registration of their securities for up to 2 years without section 5 compliance. Yeah, baby...you know you want my sexy mind. What's a little death, destruction, addiction, and depression?
Law student #2
Let's review my law school career: grandmother died; grandfather died; aunt shot herself; got caught cheating on my domestic partner; got caught cheating a second time by my domestic partner; don't have a job, other than one in bum-fuck North Carolina; gained 20lbs -- inlcuding a nice hot pair of bitch tits; got depressed, and went on prozac, zoloft, then effexor; became an alcoholic, though a functioning one; realized that everyone in the world is incompetent, lazy, and ig'nant; and -- to top it all off -- I paid 150 grand for the three worst years of my life.
Law student #3
I took the LSAT twice, once 150 miles from home because that was the only location open just so i could go to law school. while prepping applications for law school my father died of a massive heart attack in his sleep. my mother found him.... that was 8 days before I graduated from under-grad. My first year I had an emotional breakdown (like everyone else apparently) and was put on anti-depressants which resulted in me gaining 50 pounds, which i have yet to loose. My father in law was diagnosed with cancer in my second year which resulted in me traveling to the middle of nowhere TX or the middle of nowhere MN every month for 21 months. my grandpa died the first semester of my third year and mike went the second. I don't even want to practice law because i realized the corporate law world is sexist, homophobic ass holes and i don't want to kowtow for 7 years just to be invited to remain an associate for the rest of my life. Now i am going to get a job doing something i was qualified to do 4 years ago when i was happier, thinner and was a whole lot less disillusioned about the world....
